How on earth can we equate a shy, pale person with an angry, red-faced person? Easily... when we realise that hidden is a series of thought and feeling processes that is just the same in both...

Anger is normal and a very healthy way to say that we are hurt or frustrated; Anger in itself is felt when we feel brushed off, not listened to or made fun of etc…. But anger becomes a major problem in the way it is expressed. Physical Violence, verbal abuse, tantrums even in adults, swearing and abusing others…you know when you are faced with a person “who has lost it completely!” don’t you? Problem is, they do not see it or accept it until they are threatened to lose that prized status, job or relationship.

We are brought up in a civilized society that often says “don’t be angry”, “you don’t look good angry!” so that we grow up lacking the right skills to express our hurt feelings in a healthy way. So how do we express anger or aggressive feelings: often shouting, swearing, throwing things around, pounding on doors or tables, shrieking, or pushing people aside and stomping off, sulking in silence for days before exploding into rage…..all these expressions of anger are bound to leave us feeling released in the short term but ashamed, guilty, angry with ourselves and demeaned in our self-esteem and with an estranged, hurt or demeaned husband, wife, partner or child.

The reason that those vulnerable feelings are not seen behind the aggression is because of the way the anger shapes itself. I am sure we all know somebody who cannot control their anger and just blows off out of proportion at simple things:

•	They feel under attack if they are told they have done something wrong.
•	They scream, shout, swear without any consideration for people around
•	They start shaking, stammering even choking with their raging feelings.
•	Afterwards they have either not much recollection of all they said or they feel ashamed of it.
•	They will be the first one to tell you that they know their anger is not helping the relationship, whether marital or work relationship but they just cannot stop it; they are dissociated and watching themselves but cannot stop those verbal and mental abuse from coming out!

What often angry people see as triggers for anger e.g. “she does not listen”, “he behaves so irresponsible; like a child I tell you!”, “my colleagues think I am a bully so I give them a bully!” are not there in the first place. Triggers are often there, seen and felt by them because of their belief systems e.g. being vulnerable if I cry, not good-enough for love, fear of losing control and being hurt, being too ordinary to deserve authority status, etc…Thus when the eye see and the heart feels that we are being treated as such we are bound to react defensively to protect ourselves.

Passivity—Assertiveness--Aggressivity: Scale of expressing emotions

The person who has learnt to retreat in passivity from early years as a way of protection will keep that same attitude and may even get sympathy and help later on in life to come “out of the shell!” But the person who has learnt anger (from role models, from being ignored, or by colluding with the abuser in the family) and expresses those same hurt feelings and beliefs in anger will get rejection and resentment in later years. No doubt it is difficult to sympathise with angry and aggressive people but I have learnt in my practice that they are wonderful human beings who are in pain but do not know how to acknowledge it , live with it, or express it. Their own feelings make them very uncomfortable and they defend against them!

Expressing emotions or thoughts can be done: either passively, e.g. bottling up, agreeing with everything that is said, following the other person at work or home even if we do not agree or aggressively as laid above. The only healthy way to express angry, hurt, aggressive feelings is by being assertive. Assertiveness skills are learnt from childhood when we are brought up in an environment that allows us to compromise, negotiate and argue within boundaries. But for angry people Assertiveness is an unknown sensation or skill.

When we say some people need treatment for Anger Management we mean that they need help to express their hurt feelings in a constructive way. I have had many clients over the years who have expressed a fear of losing all ability to be angry if they come for Hypnotherapy. What Hypnotherapy will help with is simply programming the mind to process the anger in manageable doses and manageable ways both for the client and his/her family members or colleagues

For people with anger issues often from childhood onwards they have learnt either to be passive with their feelings/thoughts and then blow up or they have a very low frustration tolerance which causes them to react at slight remarks. So as they grow into adults and the pressure of life, work and relationships take over they respond either by giving silent treatment that ultimately explode into raging anger that the partner often does not understand at all or by reacting so defensively and so quickly that they look dangerous and threatening. They will later say that they were only expressing themselves but it is the other person who can hear the rage in the tone, who can feel the threat of attack and who can sense themselves in danger.

Hypnotherapy works well with anger issues for two major reasons

In Hypnotherapy we are working with the unconscious mind where all our instinctive reactions have taken roots and angry/aggressive people often feel helpless once those triggers get touched upon. They have forgotten when they learnt unconsciously to blow up if someone says “you are being silly” or if they just imply it. The trigger has been programmed in the inner mind and gets set up automatically.

What a Hypnotherapist will do is access the inner mind and help identify and then change those triggers and set more constructive reactions to anger, like talking it out, shouting within limits, staying within boundaries of self-respect etc. Hypnosis techniques are there to change those belief systems that are creating anger into healthier beliefs about one’s self-worth.

The added bonus here is that we train the mind to relax and become calm so that we can access the unconscious mind and work with it and these results in the clients’ also learning to relax their mind and body. Which is something an angry person will agree is the most difficult thing for them to do!

So relaxation and peace within the mind and body as well as ability to express anger in an assertive way are some of the few things that Hypnotherapy allows an angry person to achieve. Over three to five sessions the client is helped to develop a more constructive unconscious mindset which he then practices over a few more weeks as he is taught self-hypnosis.

So next time you are faced with that angry partner, friend or work colleague of yours, know that he or she is feeling as vulnerable and hurt and fragile as the friend you know who’s shy and reserved….and then you may just be able to sympathise and help him/her?

STRESS MANAGEMENT

What is stress?

The stress response of the body is meant to protect and support us. To maintain stability or homeostasis, the body is constantly adjusting to its surroundings. When a physical or mental event threatens this equilibrium, we react to it. This process is often referred to as the "fight or flight response." We prepare for physical action in order to confront or flee a threat.

Our ancestors responded to stressful ordeals in this fashion. Millions of years later, when you face a situation that you perceive as challenging, your body automatically goes into overdrive, engaging the stress response. Immediately, you release the same hormones that enabled cave people to move and think faster, hit harder, see better, hear more acutely, and jump higher than they could only seconds earlier. Like theirs, your heartbeat speeds up; your blood pressure increases; your breathing quickens. Most modern stresses, however, do not call for either fight or flight. Our experience of stress is generally related to how we respond to an event, not to the event itself.

When is stress a warning signal?

When it is part of a natural reaction to challenge or danger, the body’s response is called positive stress. However, when you feel out of control or under intense pressure, you may experience the physical, emotional, or relational symptoms brought on by negative stress. These are the signs of stress that you need to recognize and control. It is important to remain attentive to negative stress symptoms and to learn to identify the situations that evoke them. When these symptoms persist, you are at risk for serious health problems because stress can exhaust your immune system. Recent research demonstrates that 90% of illness is stress-related.

Stress can take the form of

1.	Constant migraines and pains with no obvious physical causes.
2.	Lack of focus or concentration.
3.	Inability to relax even at the end of the day; you are like a car running at 200mpr constantly.
4.	Insomnias/Sleeplessness
5.	Lack of appetite or binging on junk food
6.	Losing weight or feeling drained even when exercising
7.	Low frustration level e.g. cannot accept a simple remark or the children playing and shouting outside.
8.	Unwanted habits e.g. binge drinking, over eating, nail biting,
9.	Panicky feelings e.g. heartbeats accelerating, sweating and fearing you are having a heart attack.
10.	Anger/aggression which is a new response from you due to stress.

How does Hypnotherapy help with stress management?

Hypnosis is known to work very well with stress because it works on two levels: on one level it works with the unconscious part of our mind where our thoughts and feelings have become habitual patterns and once they get triggered, we feel caught in behaviours that even if we want to stop, we are finding difficult to stop. For example, nail biting out of over thinking, over eating s a way to fill up the emptiness, overworking even when we are wanting to sleep etc…or even just starting to worry and create catastrophic images or thoughts as soon as we wake up, all of these trigger panic in the body and often a sense of worthlessness and restlessness as we cannot control them happening.

Hypnotherapy helps you access the unconscious mind and change those triggers from destructive into constructive, healthy and proactive triggers, so that you wake up or go to sleep feeling good for whatever you have done during the day and letting go of unhealthy habits or thought patterns.

On the second level Hypnotherapy works with relaxation techniques to access the unconscious mind and that in itself is of great help to clients as they are often told by their loved ones or doctors or their work colleagues, “you should relax” ,,“You should slow down and rest”. But the problem here is that people who are suffering from depression or stress or anxiety cannot relax and let go and thereby they do not sleep well or find their concentration level slow down.

By learning self-hypnosis, which I teach to every client of mine clients has found themselves not only improving over their emotional/mental issues they came to hypnotherapy for but as well they have the tool to relax and work on themselves by themselves, in between sessions.

For more information or enquiries about treatment or talks Contact Details

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Anger: Another form of Shyness? Stress: Another cry for help?

ANGER