Imagine coming home one day and finding your door open and your belongings rummaged through…how many days or weeks do you think you will need to feel safe once again in your own home?

Imagine a stranger touching you on the shoulder from behind…how do you feel and how long does it take to calm down the heartbeats?

Victims or shall I say survivors of sexual abuse are experiencing these feelings of shock and fear and pain multiplied by ten or more because for them it is their deepest, most intimate parts that have been harassed and intruded upon. Often it is difficult to sympathise with survivors when the sexual abuse is “just” touching, or caressing or anything else that is not penetration; it is also difficult to sympathise when the abuse happened years ago. Even less sympathy is available when the victim is a male victim of sexual abuse.

But statistic shows that at least 1 in 4 males & 1 in 3 females will have survived some form of sexual abuse before reaching the age of 18! In the UK, that accounts for almost 21% of the population! Inner Potential Hypnotherapy works with at least one sexual abuse victim each month using hypnosis and therapeutic skills to help the child, woman or man, victim of sexual abuse, move to a state of safety and self-esteem once again.

Most victims cannot understand the abuse until years later except in cases of violent rape because there are so many different types of sexual abuse. The only set of feelings they are left with is: feelings of guilt, feelings of confusion, feelings of shame, feelings of being ugly and dirty and often feelings of unsafety.

Some of the common types of sexual abuse that I have met with in my hypnotherapy practice

Child Sexual Abuse: The sexual abuse of children by adults or by older children or peers who dominate and control through sexual activity. Older boys who make girls undress and then fondle them, for example. It can be committed by strangers but most often is perpetrated by adults or older children in trusted caretaking roles. Years later clients will come for hypnotherapy because that original sexual abuse is creating trust issues or sexual problems in their marriage or in their relationship with their own children e.g. they are too over protective or are having insomnia worrying about their teenager out of the house.

Incest: The most common form of child sexual abuse. Sexual abuse of children by other family members, including mother or father, step-parents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents. It often takes place in such subtle manner where the child even when an adult cannot understand whether it was their fault or whether it was abuse?

Molestation: Sexual abuse involving sexual stimulation to body and genital areas, including penetration. It can happen at any age, by a perpetrator of any age.

Stranger Rape: Violence, anger, and power expressed sexually in an attack on a victim. It may involve penetration of body openings (oral, anal, and vaginal) but does not have to. This is the type of sexual abuse most advertised and heard of , so the victim whose trusted adult/parent/religious mentor is the one molesting or raping falls into silence for fear of reprimand or fear of being thrown out of the house or creating problems in the family. In my hypnotherapy practice I have worked with adults who have suffered rape by closed ones in silence because of innumerable reasons but are still suffering from the emotional and mental scars of those early years.

Date or Acquaintance Rape: Sexual abuse, not necessarily violent perpetrated by someone known to the victim, often a peer in a trusted social relationship.

Marital Rape: Sexual abuse perpetrated by one spouse on the other or by a sexual partner in any long-term committed relationship. Again often a type of rape suffered in silence and then years later can create panic attacks or insomnia, or very low self-image and inability to trust or feel safe again. Sexual Assault: Physical attack to victim’s sexual body parts, often involving force or violence. This term can cover a wide range of activities and often describes the rape of boys and men.

Sexual Harassment: Use of gender, status, and power differences to intimidate or control a victim, or to require sexual involvement. Often in work situations it may be expressed as flirting and sexual suggestiveness.

Gender Attack: Exposure to actions that demean the sexual gender of a victim, often with sexual overtones, such as cross dressing a child or verbally denigrating a victim's gender.

Usually sexual abuse happens in an environment of domestic violence and most sexual abusers are known to the abused as being either the primary caretaker e.g. father, mother, grandparents, or even teacher or else it is a friend, or neighbour etc…which is most painful because there is much trust inbuilt that has been broken with the consequence of it being an inability to trust even years later; an inability in letting anyone come too close for fear of being hurt once again.

Symptoms survivors of sexual abuse/violence live with

People who have experienced sexual abuse or emotional incest often carry strong feelings of shame, rage, fear, pain as well as guilt. Because it is very instinctive in victims to blame themselves for the abuse so these victims often treat themselves with anger and guilt.

Years later clients will come in for symptoms such as jealousy, inability to relax in a loving relationship, anger bouts at simple remarks about their body by partner, sexual problems e.g. vaginismus or tensed muscles that causes displeasure and pain to both partners, or even insomnia and it is only in therapy that they realise how much of the repressed pain about the sexual abuse they underwent is still there haunting them subconsciously and deciding for them their present relationships.

Usual symptoms of sexual victims are:

•	Disgust with their physical body
•	Guilt/anger with themselves
•	Self-mutilations
•	Suicidal thoughts
•	Feeling powerless/worthless
•	Negative self-image
•	Relationship difficulties (old or new ones)
•	Nightmares/Insomnias

The fascinating thing is that clients who come for hypnotherapy often do not realise the extent to which their abuse in childhood or years earlier is still framing their ability or inability to function in their present. E.g. a client will come in for insomnia and say that she has never slept very well since childhood and it is in therapy that she realises how difficult she finds it to trust that she is safe as she used to be abused as a child by the father coming into her bedroom in the dark.

Domestic Voilence

Domestic violence involves:

Physical abuse (e.g. hitting, pulling or punching, restriction about the victim’s movements within or outside the house)

Emotional/mental abuse (e.g. denigrating the partner about their look, work or personality, emotional blackmail, mentally torturing their self-esteem)

Sexual abuse (e.g. forced sex, marital rape, using the partner’s body as an object)
Using the children to indirectly abuse e.g. becoming the child’s favourite and using the child to talk against the other parent;

Although we still think of domestic violence as being mostly physical violence victims come scarred more from the emotional, sexual and mental violence that they suffered from years of coping or surviving in that environment of domestic violence in silence. Your partner refuses your right to call your parents: is that an abuse? You are not allowed to go out for longer that two hours otherwise he/she will call and pester you: is that love or abuse? These victims keep questioning themselves and doubting their own decisions even after they leave the abusing partner.

The psychological trauma is carried on for years by some survivors of domestic violence; they often take the form of:

Psychosomatic traits like sleeplessness, nightmares, headaches/migraines, pains/aches that the G.P. keep reassuring them is not physical.

Psychological/emotional traits like feelings of inferiority, feelings of shame/worthlessness, disgust with one’s self-image, being a constant worrier, developing social fears that the person lives with until he/she cannot function and then come for hypnotherapy or some other form of therapy.

Physical traits like neglecting one’s appearance, overweight, binging, alcohol binging, bullying attitude as a way of protecting oneself, aggression…

As a Hypnotherapist I often get clients who come for low self-esteem or panic attacks happening ten years after having left such an abusive relationship/environment. The fact is the physical environment may have changed but the person’s unconscious brain is still programmed to experience alarm and danger signals when someone talks loudly or a door bangs; or even if they get a compliment their unconscious brain feels very uncomfortable and non-trusting that they could be so worthy.

Hypnotherapy can help survivors of Domestic/Sexual Voilence

Hypnotherapy benefits survivors of violence (domestic, sexual, emotional and mental) in two major ways:

1.	It allows their body and mind to relearn to relax; over the years of abuse the body has learnt to be in such a state of alertness, acute watchfulness/tension waiting for the next blow that even years later they find it very difficult to relax and let their guards down, which would explain symptoms such as insomnias, migraines, panic, worry, stress... Thus Hypnotherapy retrains the body to regain a balanced state of composure and calmness.

2.	It retrains, reprograms the subconscious mind to let go of all those triggers that make the person reacts with fear and tension. Hypnotherapy builds in the subconscious mind constructive triggers so that the person reacts with healthier responses to tension (physical, emotional/mental or even sexual tension) as well as reprogram their mind to be more focused on their future goals and aims

Remember that clients who are survivors of violence are already in an altered state of trance though it is a negative, destructive state of hypnotic trance. They perceive the world from a distorted, painful frame of reference where “men are dangerous” for a woman who ahs been sexually assaulted or “I am not good enough” for a man who has been emotionally and mentally abused for his lack of libido by his wife or else “I am safe only when I am in control” for a woman who has been living in physical violence in the past. With these frame of reference they are bound to perceive threats in people giving them compliments , people showing interest in them , or being respected and loved becomes a common problem in itself for the mind just cannot accept it and doubts that to such an extent that they play mind games to sabotage their own happiness.

Hypnotherapy allows the tired, mutilated mind-state of survivors of domestic/sexual abuse to lapse into a luxurious state of relaxation. The conscious mind with its constant flashbacks, criticisms, judgements sleeps off and allows access to the subconscious mind. Once the person is there, with the hypnotherapist’s guidance he/she can recover lost resources of control, self-nurturing capacity, motivation, determination and assertion.

Because the client is in such a state of relaxation, he/she can look and work with the deep wounds which he/she would shun in a conscious state. Destructive triggers are eliminated and replaced with past existing or new triggers for the client to react with calmness, positivism and hope towards oneself and the future.

For example a client who kept having the same pattern of destructive/failed relationship because of his belief that he needed to always keep control otherwise he’ll get hurt (from childhood experiences of violence) will often be seen as overly jealous, show aggressivity towards the partner if she is talking to other men, have an inner critical judgemental voice that does not allow him to find anything good with the women he dates etc… Hypnotherapy aims to help him the adult review those unhealthy triggers under trance and change them into healthier triggers. So in future his inner mind will respond with trust at seeing his girlfriend talk to his best mate, his body will be relaxed and accepting when complimented about his work, he will be let go of rigid control and laugh and be laughed at with friends and family.

Sexual Problems

Sexual Problems are more common than we think or like to admit because admitting it is often perceived as a personal failure as a person. What we need to reflect on is that the human body does get disease and pains and aches and where we can accept going to the doctors about problems with our eyes, ears, stomach, legs why can’t we go to our G.P and admit pains, aches or problems with our sexual parts; “we do not talk about our private problems!” has been so culturally and socially conditioned in us that even in this modern age and day lots of men and women are suffering in silence, marriages and relationships are becoming stressed, older couples are getting frustrated because we are shy about admitting to a sexual problem.

Hypnotherapy works with the unconscious brain where our instinctive, emotional and habitual responses are stored and from where they control us, by triggering instinctively. With sexual responses most of them are instinctive and sensory and once aroused we become very sensory and instinctive, responding more from an unconscious level of pleasure. When sexual problems or tensions happen, often that person’s mind starts interfering with his/her instinctive responses and there is a sensation of conflict that then affects the person’s ability to relax which then creates a vicious circle of tension- pain- frustration.

Hypnosis works very well with sexual problems where the medical check-up has resulted in no physical problems, which implies that the tensions, problems, lack of libido is more psychological and emotional. In these cases hypnotherapy aims to help the unconscious mind becomes as relaxed and instinctive as it used to be initially in sex. In summary sex responses and libido is very high when the two people are very relaxed, safe and communicative. With prior tensions the mind goes into a “what if…..” mindset and thereby results in muscle tensions that then block the sexual response that should have been automatic.

The most common forms of sexual problems that hypnotherapists encounter in their female clients are

Low sex drive that can be caused by a range of factors, which vary from one individual to the next: fatigue, the daily responsibilities and multiple roles women often assume, and many possible psychological causes can impact a woman's sexual appetite. It is also known that certain health conditions and medications can affect a woman's sexual desire. Depression and anxiety disorders can interfere with sexual desire, but so can some of the drugs used to treat these conditions.

Sexual tensions after Birth of a baby in the family can be due to birth control pills, mood stabilizers, tranquilizers and other medications that have been shown to decrease libido. Often the woman’s body has undergone so much change and complications that after birth of the baby sex between the couple is just not the same. The man is more careful in his demand and reactions; the woman is more confused about her appearance, body responses, and self-image. That can result in a lot of marital tension with no definite physical cause.

Vaginismus: persistent or recurrent spasm of the outer third of the vagina that interferes with intercourse. It can usually be treated by the use of vaginal dilators of increasing diameter plus relaxation training. The success rate increases in couples where the partner is involved in the therapy process. While treatment can help, it is important to note that some women have very intimate, loving relationships without intercourse.

Pain or discomfort during sexual intercourse or vaginal penetration may be caused by several conditions including:

Vaginal Infection: Certain vaginal infections such as vaginal yeast infections and trichomoniasis are often present without noticeable symptoms. However during sexual intercourse, the rubbing motion of the penis against the vagina and genitalia sometimes causes the symptoms of these vaginal infections to intensify causing stinging and burning. Genital herpes sores are another frequent cause of pain during sex.

Vaginal Irritation: Many products contain irritants which can cause vaginal irritation leading to discomfort or pain during vaginal sexual intercourse.

Vaginal Tightness: Occasionally this happens when you feel tense, or are not fully relaxed when penetration occurs. Difficulty penetrating a tight vagina can happen even when vaginal lubrication is not a problem. Often, the first few times you engage in sexual intercourse, the vagina may be tight due to an unstretched hymen and cause pain at the time of penetration.

Pain of the Clitoris: The clitoris is the most sensitive part of the female genitalia. Gentle touching or rubbing of the clitoris is extremely pleasurable for some women, while for others it is unbearably painful. Clitoral pain may also occur due to poor hygiene; vaginal secretions may collect under the clitoral hood and if not carefully washed away may lead to pain.

Most common sexual problems in Men that Hypnotherapy helps with

Ejaculation problems:

•	Premature ejaculation - This refers to ejaculation that occurs before or soon after penetration.
•	Inhibited or retarded ejaculation - This is when ejaculation is slow to occur.

In some cases, premature and inhibited ejaculation are caused by a lack of attraction for a partner, past traumatic events and psychological factors, including a strict religious background that causes the person to view sex as sinful. Premature ejaculation, the most common form of sexual dysfunction in men, often is due to nervousness over how well he will perform during sex.

Erectile dysfunction: Also known as impotence, erectile dysfunction is defined as the inability to attain and/or maintain an erection suitable for intercourse. Causes of erectile dysfunction include diseases affecting blood flow, such as atherosclerosis (hardening of the arteries); nerve disorders; psychological factors, such as stress, depression, and performance anxiety (nervousness over his ability to sexually perform); and injury to the penis.

Inhibited sexual desire: Inhibited desire, or loss of libido, refers to a decrease in desire for, or interest in sexual activity. Reduced libido can result from physical or psychological factors. It has been associated with low levels of the hormone testosterone. It also may be caused by psychological problems, such as anxiety and depression; medical illnesses, such as diabetes and high blood pressure; certain medications, including some anti-depressants as well as relationship difficulties.

How do Hypnotherapy or hypnosis techniques help with sexual problems?

A Professional Hypnotherapist will only accept to work with clients who come for sexual problems after having ascertained with them that they have had a medical check up, seen their G.P or went to their local Hospital to clear out any physical element or cause involved.

Some clients are coming to hypnotherapy after their physical treatment is over but they are so affected by the stress and pain of the whole process that they had to undergo (often in painful silence as in our society we cannot look for sympathy over a sexual problem, especially if we are a man) that they just cannot relax and enjoy normal sexuality. Others have been to the G.P and know that their sexual dysfunction is as a result of some psychological (stress, self-belief, self-image issue, overwork, inner critical voice) or emotional reason (past failed relationships, feelings of inadequacy, feelings of inferiority, etc)

As a hypnotherapist my role is to help the client become as relaxed and comfortable as he/she was before discovering this problem regarding his/her own self-image and sexual responses. Through hypnosis we can help the man/woman develop a more positive mindset that then helps the body to relax and retrain itself to respond to sex. The sexual parts of the body, the muscles relearn pleasure even if in a different way, the mind get more confident and daring and sex becomes as pleasurable and worth exploring in the couple as before.

Often my clients are women or men who have developed “the fear of the fear” syndrome. Basically after the first few failed attempts at intimacy or sexual intercourse they are getting tensed up as soon as they see signs that the partner might be wanting sex e.g. the wine at the table, or the approach of the weekend, or the end of the evening long cuddle and their unconscious brain is already racing with all thoughts of “what if …I fail, I tense up, I cannot fake it, I am poor at it…” and they panic or gets aggressively defensive even before the sex has started.

Even if their logic knows that they should relax, there’s nothing wrong with them etc… they are still stressed and unable to have pleasure or give pleasure with their partner. Simply put their unconscious, right brain that controls our instinctive responses e.g. breathing, heartbeats, sexual pleasure has gone into an alarm state as far as sex is concerned; they will find themselves having horrifying thoughts of failure and lose sleep over it all. Hypnotherapy aims to help the unconscious brain grow safe and at ease with sexuality once again. The unconscious brain is retrained to perceive sexuality as a source of closeness, intimacy and pleasure and respond as easily and instinctively as we do before the problems create that alarm state.

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